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Apr. 16th, 2018

Shitty prayer chains

Here's what the real Christian prayer chains look like. Next time aim a little more to the left.

For what it's worth I know of so many "Christians" cheating, LYING, and stealing from each other right now it would make that turd look like a gormet exotic tasty dish.

Feb. 17th, 2018


I'm watching that Cindy Crawford infomercial. She's selling facial cream for a youthful appearance. Why not cut to the chase and give me her surgeons phone number? She's had work done.

I literally started aging 39 and now my jaw line is doing 'pinch an inch' extra. What I'm solutioning is being hopeful for some nipping and tucking; if not, I'll grow old with reasoning. Bleh.

I remember grandma telling me how she was admired for her eyes but then as she grew up into her later years, no one made mention of them anymore. It's not fruitless though. She wasn't a vain woman. I hope she meets me first in heaven. I really miss her.

I'm working out at the gym right now and my daughter is with me. Stephen and I had a most wonderful time at this Mexican restaurant I'm hopeful to work up another appetite. They have this salsa made from red chili. It's sweet and savory! I even thought about taking a photo of my plate as I ate there. It solutioned being satiated.

Here's a dish worth liking although it's a little eggy.

Speaking of savory and eggy, I forgot to wear deodorant today. Delish!!

Feb. 7th, 2018

Glass animals

My head hurts. I wish it would explode. So much easier...

I talked to this woman who says she's a seer. That was an interesting conversation but I can't say that I have any of my questions answered or that any of my options have changed. I desire hope.

The electricians have taken away my ability to play Mario Kart and now I'm going through withdrawal. My son is really good at playing so it's freaking hilarious to share a game. He's so good (and creative) that he finds new ways to knock out my character. And still place first. He's a stinker. It makes me laugh.

I'm missing dancing. Nothing is the same though. I shared my dance space with my own ideas but most of them are polluted so now I'm winging the basics. Sucks because I just want to dance. It's been over a month now since we last went.

S is being released today. I didn't want to be there. I don't want to remember those places.

I'm wondering today what it would feel like to grow old and be healthy? Having energy sounds wonderful. I'd paint this place right now if I did. And then I'd get a job to pay for plastic surgery. It's still a favorite hobby.

Also I'm loving this song.

Jan. 27th, 2018


I can't decide what to do today. I might be able to go dancing but with the newest injectable is not advisable.

Right now, I'm feeling pretty tired. Tired of the same shitty questions that I find myself asking about my situation.

I'm doing more vivid dreaming and that's an awesome blessing. I want to go to places and have new thoughts. Fuck. A new life isn't really unacceptable.

There's this lady I read about who was in some kind of accident that scared her ability to remember any of her life; however, she remembered Jesus. I think that would be a blessing in my circumstances. On a side note about that lady it's interesting that her husband had to court her all over again. How strange.

This is me in the alien ship right now.

Jul. 16th, 2009

The story of my children

my beautiful children
"You knew me in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13

When I was a teenager, I used to think that somehow God disliked me- was even out to get me. I see now though, that God's love for me surpasses my comprehension. My deeper understanding of His love for me  has become my rock and anchor. When life and people become hard or cruel, I've always got the comfort of my daddy's loving arms to run to. He is my best friend and I'm humbled to think of all the times I've failed Him and yet my heavenly father has stood by my side. With that in mind, I want to share the story of my children, especially Sarah. But first, I need to fill in a little history...

My  While I was growing in my mother's womb the Lord told my Birth father that I was going to be a girl. He tells the humorous story of how when I was being born the pediatric nurse looked at my ears and said "It's going to be a boy! I know it and in all the years I've spent nursing I've never been wrong!" My burg father is stubborn in his own mind wasnt afraid to speak up said, "God told me I'm having a girl and it's going to be a girl!" The nurse gave him a strange look, but sure enough, I was a she! I was weighed after my birth and I came in at 7lbs. 7 ounces. In the Bible 7 is a number that stands for completion and my dad told me that he believed it was God's way of telling him that he had brought His promise to pass of giving him a daughter. Little did he know that this number would become the marker of all the pivotal moments within my life.

So far as I can tell, I've noticed that 7's and also 3's seem to be markers of God's workings around me. My memories begin at the age of 3 years old, specifically my first encounter with a demon. I remember being a precocious child at the age of 3 and the few memories I have are fairly clear and concise. This is important to me because had I been otherwise, I might have doubted this experience as being valid. But here it is: I used to have probelms getting to sleep at night (and I still do). I used to stare at the walls for what seemed like hours. One night as I was laying in bed, curled up with my back to the room and my face to the wall, I felt a huge bite on my back. The bite was larger than a human mouth and it bit into the the exact middle of back with a firm force. I remember being frozen with fear staring at the wall and clearly thinking, "This is really happening. I'm not asleep. I don't understand this now but one day I might want to understand this and I have to make sure I'm as clear as can be." I know how strange it may sound that as a 3 year old my comprehension was so clear, but as I said before, I was very caprious- even to the point that I remember learning how to lock and unlock the doors in our house using a screwdriver, and this experience was no exception. After what seemed like 30 minutes of lying in my bed, listening intently for any sound, paralyzed with fear, I finally ventured to get out of bed and search the room. My door was closed every night before bed and although I searched my sparsely furnished bedroom, I found no sign of another person or animal that could have done this. This experience catalyzed my understanding of the supernatural, and then instilled a fear of sleeping with my back exposed for the next 20 or so years.
*Many years later I told my dad about the experience and he related to me that he had cast 2 demons out of the condo we were living in. One came out of my room and another out of my brother's bedroom.

My next supernatural episode came at the age of 7. Between the age of 3 and 7 I came to know Jesus as my best friend and savior. I remember feeling the peace of the Holy Spirit in my life at an early age. This initial closeness to the Lord is what ended up sustaining me through the turbulent years of my childhood and adolescence. During this 7th year of life I had 2 life changing experiences. The first came one night while I was (again) trying to go to sleep. I remember my dad, brother, and I were visiting one of his friends and after I had been tucked into bed I lay there looking around the room. All of a sudden, I saw a figure at the foot of my bed. It had a simple body and a face like something you see on a headhunter's mask; there were fangs and pointed ears. The outline was strange too. If you've ever had double vision and you notice that the double image has a colorless definitiion, the figure I saw was like that; however, the lines I saw were clear and defined. Once again, I was terrified. I covered my head with the blankets and lay in bed with my heart pounding in my ears for what seemed like a long time. Eventually, I got up the courage to get out of bed and tell my dad what had happened. He prayed for me and rebuked the demon.

My next experience was more pleasant and came as my 8th birthday approached. I was rollerskating down the sidewalk in our apartments one mildly hot afternoon when a picture popped in my head. It looked like a pencil drawing of a little girl about 5-8 years of age. She looked like me but had wavy brown hair and different colored eyes. I didn't understand the significance of this but I remember it struck me as odd that the image never left my mind. I cherished it as a strange memoriabilia throughout my life and while I don't recall the exact moment I understood who this little girl was, I do know that  at some point in my teenage years it was revealed to me that this was going to be my daughter.
My first daughter Elora

When I turned 14, I saw my son. During this year I don't remember the exact moment his image was given to me, I just remember my age and that his picture, like his sisters, was in the form of a pencil drawing. I remember thinking that his picture looked like my brother around 6-8 years of age, with his brown hair and wide mouth. At this point I was doing pencil sketches of people, and though try as I may, I couldn't draw what I saw in my head. I tucked this experience away though and life continued.
My son Micah

I was 17 when I saw the last image. It was a baby done as a pencil sketch, but this time there was a little color in the image. The baby had blonde/golden curling hair and light colored eyes. I remember thinking how beautiful this child was and how strange that this baby was so light. My mother was blonde but my father was an olive skinned Hispanic/ Spanish mixture and I'm olive toned with dark brown hair. At this point I knew this was going to be one of my children but I also recollect being startled and afraid at the prospect of 3 children.
baby Sarah

I was 21 the next time I saw God complete one of the greatest promises to me. As a teenager, God had showed me that I would be married and that the relationship would be put together in a supernatural way. Coincidentally 21 is a multiple of 7 and 3. I did in fact end up meeting and being courted in a strange way by my husband. We decided to get married and eloped within the space of 24 hours. (We were friends for 3 years before this.) We didn't get our official wedding rings until later because of the suddeness of the marriage, but when we did, we shopped around, found the price for a 6mm gold band (I had always loved the idea of a plain gold band to symbolize the neverending circle of the marriage relationship.) and when we went to compare prices at another jewelry shop, we were offered 7mm matching bands for the same price. Being short on money and affected by the kindness of the jeweler we bought the rings on the spot. Just a mere 2 and a half months later, I also became pregnant with our son. Before he was born, I assumed that he would be a she since my first vision had been of a little girl. I was shocked when my son Micah was born because he was not a girl, but I loved him so much it didn't matter. I didn't understand  what it was I had seen, especially since my son had blonde hair and sea green eyes, so I dismissed the experiences as maybe being part of an overactive imagination and began my new role as mother and wife.
my son playing outside
My baby girl Elora was born 3 years 3 months after my son. She was the only baby we officially planned for and although I had initially been taken with the idea of having a girl when I was first pregnant with Micah, I found that I enjoyed my son so much that it didn't matter anymore what the sex of the baby would be. However, I was estactic when I had a daughter and relished lining her closet with pink dresses and little frilly outfits. She had a Snow White complexion with her dark wavey hair, hazel eyes, and creamy fair skin. She was my first  close relationship with another female (since my mother had not been able to raise me, my step mother was emotionally distant, and most of my girl friends in high school were more like "frenemies") and her birth allowed me to rediscover the joy allowing another female to get close to my heart.
Me with my 2 kiddies

During the time I had my daughter and son, God began to do a great healing work in my heart. However, as the first year passed and I juggled the responsibility of having 2 children, I became ambivalent to the idea of having more children. Steve and I began to talk about getting him fixed. It was during this time that I began to get really close to the Lord. I didn't understand at this time that you could grow close to God based on the grace and the work of Christ (vs your own works) but I did know that obediance to living a Godly life were rewarded and that God blesses faith. In this, God blessed mine, and I began to walk with Him in a new way. One day I remember trying to decide whether or not to take a break and go watch a movie. I ended up thinking that I would rather spend some time with the Lord and read the Bible. I opened up the Bible to Psalm 127:3. It read:

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward."

At this point I heard (I use the term heard but it wasn't and audible voice- it was something deeper and more profound) the Lord tell me "Your going to have a baby and as a sign to you, your period is only going to last 3 days." I was absolutely taken aback by this message and it was then that I recounted that I had started my cycle the day before at about 1pm. I don't usually pay attention to what time I start so it struck me as odd that I remembered this, but just the same, I was floored by the experience. Also, I've always been really regular and my cycles last between 5 and 7 days. However, I waited a few more days and sure enough, my cycle stopped exactly 3 days later- to the hour! I was beside myself during this time and I did end up sharing with my best friend Irene what had happened as well as my husband. Another oddity with the number 7 and 3 is that I was 27 years old when it happened, it was the27th day of the month, and as I've mentioned previously, the scripture was Psalm 127:3. However, Steve and I were not interested in trying to have more children so I kept this experience in my heart, wondering what in the world it could mean.

Two months later, my husband and were hanging out enjoying time together and making margaritas. I remember taking a sip of mine and it tasting funny. I didn't drink the one I had and ended up making another but still it had a wierd flavor. I put it aside and decided not to drink that night. The next day, I was planning on doing a 7 mile bikeride with the kids in my bike stroller when I remembered that alcohol had tasted funny when I pregnant with Micah and didn't know it. I was worried about doing such a strenuous workout if there was a chance I was pregnant, so wtihout telling my husband what my suspisions were (he was at work) I walked to a close by Walmart for my exercise that day and bought a pregnancy test. When I got home I immediantly took it- and it was of course a blazing positive result! I couldn't believe what I was seeing but God had called this one and on my 3rd menstral cycle since the Lord had given me the message, I was pregnant with our 3rd child!

The trials began to come fast and hard after we found out we were having another baby. Steve had made good money at his job but we have been slow to learn the lesson of proper finance. We didn't have any savings when our car's transmition blew out. We only had one car at the time because I was a stay at home mom so we had no transportation. Also, we were living in a 2 bedroom apartment with 2 kids already and it was getting snug. My husband and I were stressed out but I rememeber telling Steve that "God has given us this new baby and somehow He's going to make ends meet." God was of course faithful and within the next 7 months we were able to rent a house and buy a mini-van. (Also, we did end up buying the house later without paying a single penny down, and of it's own accord, with God's blessing, we closed on the 7th of the month.) The rocky road was not over though. I ended up having to go into the docotors early for an ultrasound because I was having some spotting. The ultrasound techinitian was filling in for the regular tech and I remember it took a long time for her to finish the procedure. I was oblivious to the possibility to any really serious complications and was happily chatting with my husband as I watched our little peanut's heart beat on the screen. However, my joy gave way to overwhelming fear and tears when I was called back for blood tests because the babies embriotic  sac looked to be misshapped. We made the earliest blood work appointment we could and through the waiting I remember crying out to God that it was so cruel that He had given us this new life only to have the fear of it being taken away so soon. I kept trying to trust the Lord though and remember His goodness to me in the past. I went in a few days later to do the bloodwork and as I was in the waiting room I picked up a "Woman's Day" magazine. This pariticular magazine always has a scripture in the first page so I picked it up and a flipped it open. To my amazment, wonder, and joy, the scripture was Psalm 127:3, "Behold children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward." My heart was comforted and overjoyed that God allowed the scripture He had used to fortell the birth of our baby to comfort us now in our heartache and worry. I felt more at peace after this and sure enough the blood tests came back normal, and we came to find out the tech who had done our ultrasound was not very experienced.

About 8 months into the pregnancy I began to worry again. I had dialated from 3-10 centimeters in 30 minutes with our last daughter Elora. I was concerned that our little girl (another ultrasound had revealed the sex) would be born at home or on the side of the road like you hear in those crazy birth stories. Because of this, I called our midwife and ended up scheduling an induced labor. We sceduled our daughter's induction based on the doctor's opening and my due date; this left us with the induction date of December 21st at 7:00am. I was so excited to have an actual date to look forward to our baby's homecoming but at the same time I couldn't help remarking to Steve that I was dissapointed that man's hand would be involved with the birth our daughter when it had been God who had brought all these amazing things to pass. However, I decided to be content with the knowledge that we were doing the best thing for the baby.

December 20th rolled around and I remember being so sick. I felt like I had a fever and was exhausted. Always before with my other pregnancies, I had a burst of energy at the end. I remember fighting it and being in denial about how sick I felt- almost like I coulds make it go away if I tried hard enough. That night though, I was burning up with a high fever and couldn't sleep because the aches and pains were so bad. We finally called the on call nurse and told her about how sick I was and that in a few hours I was sceduled to be induced. The doctor called back and advised me to take Benadryl to help me get some rest. I took the medication and finally fell asleep an hour or so later. About 3am I woke up with a sharp pain but went back to sleep thinking it was the fever. However, 15 minutes later, I woke up again with another pain. I tried to go back to sleep but 10 minutes later the pain came back. I woke up my husband and we started timing the pain. Sure enough the pain kept returning and from what my other births had taught me, I was in labor! I couldn't believe how awesome God was to allow me to go into labor first before I could be induced! We drove to the hospital about 5am in the frantic excitement and worry about how quickly this baby might enter the world. However, we got to the hospital fine and althought the doctor had a hard time believing I was really in labor given the circumstances, I was admitted into room #007. My daughter Sarah was born about 5 hours later. She was healthy but small at 6lbs 4ounces and yellow from jaundice. We spread the news about our new family member and soon flowers, cards, and stuffed animals started coming in. One of the cards I recieved was from a friend of ours who had no forknowledge of the hand of God in our daughter's birth, so I was especially blessed to open the card and find hand inscribed Psalm 127:3! God had been faithful and given us this final baby just as he said He would.
minutes after Sarah was born!

After this, we decided we didn't want any more children. I was tired and I can't say I'm a fan of childbirth so my husband got fixed. In retrospect I realized that he was fixed when my daughter was 7 weeks old and that I was 28 (another multiple of 7) when I had my last child. I felt peace with this decision to not have more. 

About a year later I began to relate the visions of my children as I had seen them to how they were developing. I had been originally crestfallen to see that my children's features didn't match the visions but now my son's hair had darkened to brown and his eyes were hazel, My daughter's hair was wavy like the picture with hazel eyes also, and most surprizingly, baby Sarah, who had looked hispanic in her first 4 months of life, with her complexion being olive and brown hair, had lightened up. Not only did her eyes and skin become lighter, but her hair turned blonde and became curly like I'd seen in the vision! Each of my children looked as they had looked in the pictures! God had been faithful to bring these prophetic visions to pass, but in His timing- not my own.
Sarah with her darker skin,,.
It has been 2 and a half years since the visions came to pass and as I'm watching God change me and unfold His plan for my life, things are becoming clearer to me. I'm able to look back and see the patterns and love lessons I've been taught for God's glory; this is one of them and I pray that these life experiences will help others draw closer to God and give an greater understanding of how much we are loved... I encourage others out there to take heart in the knowledge that God's in control of everything, and while we aren't guaranteed a perfect life, we are guaranteed a perfect love that never fails.
my wonderful children today...

April 2018



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